I never wanted to write something like this...

... yet here I am.

I'll start from the beginning.

I started bleeding around the 22th of April (6w), not heavy but enough to wear a liner. I had some bleeding with Harley too so wasn't too worried but this was different. The colour, the consistency, the timeframe, everything. I had my first scan on the 23rd April, everything OK, too early for a heartbeat but we could see everything was in place. The scan showed the sac, etc was measuring 5 weeks. A little weird considering I was 6w 1d but I'd heard the US machines can be out by up to a week so didn't think too much of it. Bleeding continued, getting a little heavier but still not enough for a big pad. There were days when there was next to nothing and then days where there was a bit.

Had my second scan yesterday which showed the baby had been growing as we could see it in there and they got a heartbeat of 111bpm which put my mind at ease a little, but nowhere near completely. The baby was measuring 5w 5d but I was 7w 3d so that set alarm bells off and when I started to get slight cramps yesterday afternoon after I got home, I began to worry. All afternoon I had an intense backache that I couldn't shake with Panadol.

I've just come back from the hospital now where it has been confirmed that the baby died measuring at a 6 week gestation so either it died last night while I was cramping and had the backache (6w as per the scan dating) or it died AT 6 weeks (LMP dates) and there was no heartbeat yesterday, she must have picked up something else. In my mind, I'm thinking the baby died last night as I was totally inconsolable for about an hour even though I didn't know if the baby was gone or not. I believe that's when the little one left. I was alone as Keith was at work but that was Ok by me as he really didn't need to see me like that. Thank God Harley was in bed as he didn't either.

All through the pregnancy, my bloods didn't rise much and I had a bad feeling right from the very beginning. Call it Mothers intuition. Now that we know the truth, I'm still going to spend some time away from the computer like I had planned as I think the break will do me good. We'll be OK. Life goes on. I like to believe that whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

I really want to thank everyone who was thinking of us through this difficult time and I really appreciate the support we've been receiving.